The perfect mirror

I am feeling a tremendous amount of gratitude for my LO today.

When I started my own healing journey, I wrestled constantly with this piece about time. Where would I get the time to do all this work, dive deep into my own baggage, and collect all the tools necessary? Not to mention, build a network of people that can support me through it. It is the question I asked every one of my masters as I trained. As I continue to train. Because I felt the ache and tear of adding anything else to my already heavy load as a working leader, loving wife, devoted mother, active community member, over achiever extraordinaire. The fact that I would have to add one more thing to my plate felt exhausting.

My teachers and masters, always gently reminded me the whole reason I was trying to heal my mind and body was to give me more time with my husband and child by saying this one phrase. “The best way to be there for your family is to heal yourself.”

“The best way to be there for your family is to heal yourself.”

It is something I keep thinking I have a grasp on. Like my mind has fully comprehended the wisdom in that phrase. And then things shift and I am being schooled all over again.

This happened again this week. My perfect LO just turned 4. I honestly don’t know why we call it terrible twos, or terrifying threes, it is clearly frustrating fours. We have just discovered the wonderful nature of what tantrums look like. And holy crap it is worse than I was lead to believe. There is that phrase that comes to bite every parent in the ass - “ oh it won’t be like that for me.” Basically guaranteeing it will be much worse for you. This has been my reality for the last 2 months.

Then this week something miraculous happened. I noticed every time my LO began to throw a fit, especially in public. I would go through a tremendous amount of anger, and race to correct him/scold him for his behavior. Then 30 seconds later the shame and guilt over not handling it better would wash over me.

As spring comes to a close I have been meditating on the liver. In its original state, the liver vibrates at the frequency of compassion and forgiveness. In its acquired state (the state we attach/are given/develop in this life) is anger. Anger is not a bad emotion, it is beautiful. It indicates boundaries we have created in a moment of distress or trauma to help keep us safe.

So my instinct is to start with anger when my LO expresses emotions and the need to develop control over a situation that might be less than the social norm of “ideal.” That is old pain from an old experience running the show. I began this week, every time that boundary was triggered, taking 3 deep breaths and diving into that boundary and asking that boundary all kinds of questions: Where did you come from? Why are you here? When did this develop? Are you still necessary? And really anything else I can think of to understand this piece of me.

I then ask “When will you be ready to be released?” At the beginning, the answer was “Never.” But each time I asked, it began to slowly soften. To “maybe in a few years”, then to “a year” “a month”, “this week”, “a few days”. Till finally, the answer was “Now.” Feeling that release inside me was beautiful.

But here is the fun part. While I was experiencing this internal dilemma about being a better parent, my LO is clearly still fighting his own battle. But slowly over time as I found grace for myself, I watched my LO find it for himself too. We began to be able to communicate through it. Express emotions. Make a plan to change the situation and outcome. Laugh at the absurdities of how our bodies were reacting. Forgive ourselves and the broken pieces of us that are looking for love.

I realized that those around us, family, friends, society as a whole, and our children especially, are perfectly designed mirrors. They create opportunities for us to look at ourselves and see our pain mirrored back in a way we cannot deny. It is our choice to either accept that as reality or find infinite possibilities for healing in what we see.

If we choose to heal, it does not matter what is in the mirror. It is only a reflection of the war raging inside of you.

May peace and joy find you.